Jokes about school

 

Arithmetic: apples and oranges

Big sister:    I’ll help you with your arithmetic. Suppose, I have 10 oranges and give you two, how many will I have then?
Bobby:    I don’t know. In my class we do arithmetic with apples.

Larry does not want to go to school

Larry:    I’m not going to school any more.
Mother:   Why?
Larry:    On Monday, the teacher said 4 and 4 is 8. On Tuesday, she said 6 and 2 is 8. Today she said 1 and 7 is 8. I’m not going back to school again until the teacher makes up her mind.

Ten hours over a history book

John:    I spent ten hours over my history book last night.
Alec:    Ten hours?
John:    Yes, I left it under my bed when I went to sleep last night.

What is ignorance

Teacher:   Willie, how do you define ignorance?
Willie:   It’s when you don’t know something and somebody finds it out.

The result

Teacher:    If your brother has five apples and you take two from him, what will be the result?
Bobby:   He will beat me.

How to divide a potato?

Teacher:   If I take a potato and divide it into two parts, then into four parts, and each of the parts into two parts, what shall I have?
Little Tommy:   Potato salad.

From Monday till Friday

Teacher:    This is the fifth time I have punished you this week. What have you to say?
Boy:    I’m glad it’s Friday, sir.

Seven cows

Nick:    Seven cows are walking along the road in a single file. Which cow can turn around and say: «I see six pairs of horns»?
Bobby:    The first cow, of course.
Nick:   Wrong, Bobby, cows cannot talk.

A new discovery

The teacher was giving a lesson to her class. She was trying to tell the pupils about all new discoveries.
«What is there today,» she suddenly asked, «that wasn’t here forty years ago?»
A clever little eight-year-old girl jumped up and shouted, «Me!»

How Mike broke his arm

Jack:    How did you break your arm?
Mike:    Do you see those stairs over there?
Jack:    Yes.
Mike:    Well, I didn’t.

Is the Earth round?

Teacher:    What’s the shape of the earth?
Johnny:    It’s round.
Teacher:   How do you know it is round, Johnny?
Johnny:   All right, it’s square, then. I don’t want to start an argument about it.

What contains milk?

Teacher:    Tommy, name five things that contain milk.
Tommy:    butter and cheese, ice-cream and two cows.

North and south

Teacher:    If you stand with your back to the north and look to the south, what will be on your left hand?
Pete (quickly):    Fingers.

A new pupil

New pupil:    Will this corridor take me to the second floor?
Old pupil:    No, you must walk there.

What is a net?

Teacher:    Can anyone tell me what a fishing-net is made of?
Little boy:    It’s made of many little holes tied together with a string.

At school

Teacher:    Nick, what is one half of one-tenth?
Nick:    I don’t know exactly, teacher, but it can’t be very much.

In the pencil

Teacher (to a little girl learning to write):    But where is the dot over ‘I’?
Little girl:    It’s in the pencil yet.
Homework and mistakes

Teacher (looking at Teddy’s homework):   I want to know how one boy can make so many mistakes.
Teddy:    Not one but two. My brother always helps me with my homework.
Teacher:    Tom, your homework in which you wrote about a cat is very much like your brother’s story. How is that?
Tom:    Nothing strange about that, we have only one cat at home.

How old Mrs. Jones is this morning?

«Polly,» said a woman to a girl working at her place. «I want you to go and see how old Mrs. Jones is this morning.»
In a few minutes Polly came back and said, «Mrs. Jones is seventy-two, four months and twenty-eight days.»

Bill and the dogs

Teacher: Bill, if Dave gives you a dog and Jane gives you a dog, how many dogs are going to have?
Bill: Three.
Teacher: Now, Bill, think before you answer. How can it be three if Dave gives you one and Jane gives you one?
Bill: Because I already have one at home.

Which do you like better?

Teacher: Kate, which do you like better, the sun or the moon?
Kate: The moon, I think.
Teacher: Why the moon?
Kate: Because the moon comes out at night when it is dark and the sun is out during the bright light of the day when we see everything so well.

I can see what you had for breakfast

Teacher: Jimmy, why don’t you wash your face? I can see what you had for breakfast.
Jimmy: What is it?
Teacher: Eggs!
Jimmy: Wrong, teacher, that was yesterday.

SCHOOL – GO SLOW!

Teacher: Jack, why are you late for school every morning?
Jack: When I come to the crossing I see the words: SCHOOL – GO SLOW!

Willie and the map

Willie has just got a five for a map.
«Willie,» said the teacher, «this map is wonderful. Did anybody help you to draw it?»
«Oh, no, Miss Barry,» said Willie.
«Well, really, Willie? Did your father help you?»
«No, Miss Barry, my father didn’t help me. He did it all by himself.»

The only pupil in the class

One day Pete came home from school and said, «I was the only pupil today who could answer the teacher’s question.»
«There’s a good boy, Pete. How nice of you. And what was the question?»
«The teacher asked, «Who broke the window in the classroom?»

 

Jokes about friends, neighbours and food

You hammer like lightning

Lena: You hammer nails like lightning.
Pete: Do you mean I’m fast?
Lena: No, you never strike twice in the same place.

A ready answer

Farmer: What are you doing in that tree, boy?
Boy: One of your apples fell down, and I’m trying to put it back.

Two machines instead of one

Shop-girl: This machine will do half of your work.
Customer: All right, I’ll take two!

The fly in the cup

Man (in a restaurant): Miss, there is a fly in the bottom of my cup. What does it mean?
Waitress: I don’t know! I’m a waitress – not a fortune-teller!

Tea or coffee?

A man was having breakfast in an English hotel. He took a drink from his cup and then said to the waiter,
«Is this tea or coffee?»
«Can’t you tell the difference by the taste, sir?»
«No, I can’t.», said the man.
«Well,» said the waiter, «if you can’t tell the difference, what does it matter which is it?»

A clever waiter

A man in a restaurant noticed that the waiter had brought him a cup of coffee without a spoon.
«This coffee is very hot to stir with my finger,» said the man.
A short time later the waiter came back to the table with another cup of coffee.
«Maybe this isn’t so hot, sir,» he said.

Artist and visitor

Artist: That is a cow grazing, sir.
Visitor: Where is the grass?
Artist: The cow has eaten it.
Visitor: But where is the cow?
Artist: What for do you think she may stay here after she has eaten all the grass?

At a small railway station

Man (to the station-master): When does the next west-bound train arrives?
Station-master: At 3 p.m.
Man: And the next east-bound train?
Station-master: At 4 p.m.
Man: And the next north-bound train?
Station-master: Arrives at 6 p.m.
Man: And the south-bound train?
Station-master: Oh, it left two hours ago.
Man: Well, I think it’s safe to cross the tracks now.

High temperature

The champion was told that he had a temperature.
«How high is it, doctor?» he wanted to know.
«A hundred and one,» said the doctor.
«And what’s the world record?» asked the champion.

Victim of football

First woman: My son is in bed, a victim of football.
Second woman: But I didn’t even know he played the game.
First woman: He doesn’t. But he is a football fan, he sprained his larynx at the match last Saturday.

A clever idea

Old lady (seeing tug-of-war for the first time):
Wouldn’t it be simpler, dear, for them to get a knife and cut it?
Strange ants
First little boy: Aren’t ants strange little things? They work and work, and never play.
Second little boy: Oh, I don’t know about that. Every time when I go on a picnic, they are always there.

Too far

Steve: Why does an ostrich have such a long neck?
Ted: Because its head is so far from its body, I guess.

A good river

Boy: Is it a good river for fish?
Fisherman: Must be. I can’t make any of them come out.

Alfred

«Hello! Is that Jack Brown speaking?»
«Yes, who is that?»
«Alfred.»
«Who? I can’t hear!»
«I say Alfred: Alec, Lily, Freddie, Richard, Ellen, Dick. Do you hear?»
«Yes. But which of you six is on the telephone now?»

Ann’s pen

Nick: Ann, give me your pen, please.
Ann: Why don’t you want to write with your pen? What’s wrong with it?
Nick: It makes so many mistakes.

At the dentist’s

Dentist: What’s the matter? I haven’t touched your tooth yet.
Man (in the dentist’s chair): No, but you are standing on my foot.

I can’t eat the soup

Johnson: Waiter, I can’t eat this soup.
Waiter (takes the plate of soup and brings another one): I think you are going to like this soup, sir.
Johnson: I can’t eat this soup either.
Waiter: Why? This soup is wonderful. Why can’t you eat it?
Johnson: Because I have no spoon.

A strange pair of socks

Jim: You are wearing one red sock and one blue sock.
Joe: Yes, I know. And what’s more, I have another pair just like them at home. Isn’t is strange?

Take a trolley-bus home

Jim: Why don’t you take a trolley-bus home?
Jack: First of all, it’s too large, and then I know Mum is not going to let me have it at home.

A good boy and a bad one

First boy: Does your mother give anything when you are good?
Second boy: No, but she gives me something when I am bad.

An old umbrella

«How old are you, sonny?» asked an old man a little boy in the park.
«Six», came a quick answer.
«Six», repeated the man, «and yet you are not as tall as my umbrella.»
«And how old is your umbrella?» asked the boy.

«Tick-tock»

Harry: I think it’s getting late. What does your watch say?
Bob: Just what it always says, «tick-tock.»

What time do you get up?

«What time do you get up in summer?»
«When the sun comes to my window.»
«Isn’t it very early?»
«Oh, no, my room faces north.»