Jokes about animals

A brave hunter

Guide:      I saw a lot of tiger tracks about a mile north of here.
Hunter:    Which way is south?

A lucky explorer

 

African explorer:    One fine day, not very long ago, I went out unarmed for a walk when suddenly I found myself face to face with a big tiger.
Friend: How awful! What did you do?
African explorer: I looked at him, put my hands in the pockets and said, «What will be, will be!», turned round and went home.
Friend: And didn’t the tiger rush at once on you?
African explorer: He couldn’t. It was at the Zoo.

The first visit to the Zoo

 

It was Frankie’s first visit to the Zoo.
«What do you think of the animals?» asked the father.
After a critical inspection of the animals the boy answered,
«I think the kangaroo and the elephant must change tails.»

Out of the dog’s plate

Visitor: Why is the dog watching me so closely while I eat?
Host: Maybe it’s because you are eating out of his plate.

 

Jokes about family

Tommy’s birthday

Mother:    You are five today! Happy birthday to you!
Tommy:    Thank you, Mama.
Mother:    Would you like to have a cake with five candles on it for your birthday party?
Tommy:    I think I’ll better have five cakes and one candle, Mama.

A brave girl
Aunt Ann:    Well. Nelly, were you brave at the dentist?
Nelly:    Yes, Auntie, I was.
Aunt Ann:    Then, there is the sweet I promised you. And now tell me what he did to you.
Nelly:    He pulled out two of Willie’s teeth.

Unbreakable toy

On the morning after Victor’s birthday, the boy’s mother came into the dining-room where her husband was reading a paper.
«Do you remember that unbreakable toy you gave Victor yesterday?» she asked him.
«Of course I do,» he said. «Do you want to tell me that he has already broken it?»
«Not at all,» said the mother. «He has broken all his other toys with it.»

A doll and a baby
While a young mother was bathing her baby, a neighbour’s little girl came in and watched it. The girl was holding a doll without an arm and a leg.
«How long have you had your baby?» she asked the mother.
«Three months,» answered the mother.
«My, but you’ve kept her nice!» exclaimed the girl.

Keep quiet
«And has your baby learned to talk?»
«Oh, yes. We are teaching him to keep quiet now.»

Jim & his music lesson
Jim and his mother were waiting for Jim’s music teacher.
Mother:    Did you wash your hands?
Jim:    Yes.
Mother:    And the face?
Jim:    Yes, Mother.
Mother:    And did you wash behind your ears?
Jim:    On her side I did, Mother.
Playing elephants
Jim:    Mother, we’re going to play elephants at the Zoo. Will you help us?
Mother:    What can I do?
Jim:    You can be the lady who gives them nuts and sweets.

A broken word
Dad:    Son, didn’t you give your word to be a good boy?
Son:    Yes, Dad.
Dad:    And didn’t I give you my word to teach you a good lesson if you weren’t?
Son:    Yes, Dad. But I have broken my word, so you may break your word too.

No new books
Freddy:    Pa, I must tell you something now. I am sure you will be happy to learn it.
Father:    Well, out with it, son.
Freddy:    You will not get me any new books next year.
Father:    How so?
Freddy:    I’ll stay another year in the 6th form.

In at one ear and out at the other
Tommy was very inattentive. He looked round, turned from one side to the other and sometimes did not listen at all to his father’s words. In the end his angry father cried out,
«I think that everything I say to you goes in at one ear and out at the other.»
Tommy though a little and then said, «Well, I think that’s what I have got two ears for.»

A new bicycle
Dick had bad marks. Father said, «If you learn well, I’ll give you a bicycle.»
«All right!» said Dick. «I’ll learn well.» And Dick began to learn better and Father gave him a bicycle.
In a month dick got bad marks again. Father asked him, «Dick, what’s the matter? You have got bad marks again. What did you do this month?»
«I was busy with my bicycle,» answered Dick.

Do people live on the moon?

Son:    Daddy, do you think people can live on the moon?
Father:    I think they can.
Son:    But if they can live on the moon, where do they go when the moon is very, very small?

Leaving the school
«If the teacher does not take back what he said to me this morning, I am going to leave the school.»
«What did he say?»
«He told me to leave the school.»

You carry me
Mother:  You always take too many toys with you: your doll, your trolley-bus, and your ball. Let me help you to carry them, my dear.
Little Daughter:  Oh, no, Mummy. I can carry the toys and you carry me.

A good pupil
«Is your son a good pupil?»
«Yes, he is. He wants to know all the subjects so well that he stays in every class for two years.»

A prize
Little Tommy came home from school with a new book under his arm.
«It’s a prize, Mother,» he said.
«A prize? What for, dear?»
«At the lesson the teacher asked me how many legs an ostrich had, and I said three,»
«But an ostrich has two legs.»
«I know that, Mother, but the rest of the class said four; so I was nearest.»

Johnny wanted to go fishing

Mother:    If you wanted to go fishing, why didn’t you come and ask me first?
Johnny:    Because I wanted to go fishing.